Rebirth

This may be a bit tmi and its a very personal tidbit of my life that I hid even from my family til now.

2011/2012
I was back on fetlife again, feeling terrible still about the gender I was forced into accepting. I posted a photo, showing myself in all its 'glory'. People fapped over the pix while I felt differently. I had wanted gender reassignment surgery for a long time and a lot of people I knew thought it was all a phase.

I recieved a message from one male individual saying or joked that he was an ax murderer and if I was the only one who could photograph myself naked.

I wasn't in my normal mind, and eventually met up with said photographer with a friend, Tomo from Black*Cherry. The photoshoot was done with a female photographer present on the first 2 shoots.

The third one, just me and the photographer, he had pushed his boundaries with me; pressing himself too close to my thighs while doing simple ropework on me, or having his pantsed penis near my face as I was lying bound on the bed. (A big nono for proffessional work).

He had eventually asked/wanted things to be unproffessional: he wanted sex (even mentioned getting tax money back at a restaurant up north near the Rosemont area for sex/escort services which I just stared at him blankly) and wanted to dispose the model and photographer relationship we had).

The first time we were intimate, his roommate (or sexual sub female) wasn't there. He played 'Corrupt' by Depeche Mode and wanted me stripped down + in a blind fold. When forced himself inside, it felt like like my insides were going to rip. It hurt badly. I wasn't used to his size! 

I wasn't the type of outgoing person in general and he'd blow me off, telling me what he thought I
I wanted to hear ( compliments on my looks don't do anything for me because it can be way too phony for me. ) He'd promise to take me out or tell me I wasn't too direct with what I wanted. It'd be about a month til he'd actually set aside time for me or make me feel a bit bad for not fawning over him as if he was the most handsome man ( not in my nature + I don't compliment like that or be phony).

After one date and him driving me back to my neighborhood ( this was supposed to mean he liked me or something) he told me he'd think of what to label our relationship and that he could buy coke in my neighborhood too. I was confused. 
I was also blank faced + taken aback from him asking to choke me out til I passed out.

He was also rough and liked to do breath play and slap me hard in the face. My depressive and suicidal side loved it. My normal self? Withdrawn way deep inside my mind...

After snooping on his Fetlife, I found out he had two sexual subs, not only increasing my risk for disease, but also witholding that info from me for whatever 'relationship' we had
My heart sank and I didn't eat for a week. The chemicals in my body from the shock of being lied to had me experiencing audio hallucinations + feeling like I was shrinking and the room I was in expanding. I was hurt!

He blamed me for falling in love with him and made excuses for him not telling me etc. It was my fault for 'falling' for him after the cuddling + bogus sweet nothings.

I was bad at communicating my discomfort or my disapproval, something I feel an Aspie and a male friend noticed about me.

I stopped talking to him after some months after meeting his daughter + the other sub he drank breastmilk from and was known to not tell her who he was seeing or fuckin in his 'poly relationship'.

2012/2013
I had some meetings of a therapist under my belt, met with people, but going through tough times with school, working and family.

We met up again, he even met my nerdy roommates too at the house I rented a room at.

He played me again. Telling me we'd meet up, saying I was too difficult to talk to. Taking me to cheap spots, beating me outside of a scene, not using a condom for 100% of sex play, saying I looked like a hooker and calling me cheap.

I was hurt and saw how cheap he was being after knowing how much pro dommes or subs made. I never got new or paid  photography work from knowing him or being put on his sites + instagram, and couldnt profit off the pix we did at all. 

I felt stupid again but realized how much he was cheating me and possibly why he is avoiding me again since last August or September.

I'm upset at myself for putting my brain + reproductive health in danger and getting no compensation from him.

I'm still taming my depression and managing possible schizophrenia with the help of loved ones and friends. Its been one hell of a journey for me and has affected so many areas of my life.

Weddin' Season

Though I am still single for about 1 year and 7months now, the anxiety that comes with just thinking about marriage still pops up in my head:

Will I get married? Will I find someone who will actually be there for me? Will we be a good team together? Will they accept me for who I am? Will I accept them? Will they honestly like me for me?

Its not like I have been in a relationship for years or even ACTUALLY engaged to even have it be a big deal for me to freak out about it... but still!

Working at Joann Fabrics and Crafts and having to stock and price tulle, table decorations, sashes, and signage for people into diy wedding crafts and bachelorette parties.

Seeing an advertisement when I was working for Joanns about Joann Fabrics and Crafts about diying gifts and crafts for weddings.

I go to a karaoke bar about two months ago, and there are bridesmaids singing "Gangster's Paradise".

I windowshop in various places for deals and just passing time to turn around and see slightly tacky white blinged out things like "wifey" and "bride".

This past weekend while waiting in line to get into SoundBar, a group of bros (one was pretty cute though, ahahaha) was talking about one of the guys in the group being engaged and his last night of being a non married man. a group of ladies wearing fake leis following a bride to be with a not so matching white veil on her head... and two white guys calling themselves honkies and talking about "honky grits"... ok... that last bit was just a random part of a convo from waiting in line with them.

For me to be nearing my 30s (yikes!), time passing me by, and almost barely touching my goals if at all, I still get flustered by the fleeting thoughts and reminders in normal life that people do still get married to each other, and... that I may get hitched to someone in this lifetime. 

Maybe it won't be all that bad when it does happen, and I'll just have freak out moments with planning stuff out... I guess.

Enjoy this hilarious "horror" video about wedding season from Buzzfeed~!!

Alice: Madness Returns

A few months ago, I started, played through and finished Alice Madness Returns, totally skipping the first part of the story that came out on pc years ago. American McGee’s Alice was on my list of horror fantasy games to play for many years before I got into playing titles like Fatal Frame, Silent Hill or Resident Evil, but console gaming proved easier for me.

Alice Madness Returns follows the story of a dark haired Alice in a world that makes Tim Burton’s universes very Disney like. She is on a journey to saving herself in a dreary and depressing normal life and saving her own world, Wonderland from destructive outer forces and demonic looking foes with the help of a very sinister looking wide grinned Cat and unusual items for weapons. This mangy cat gives you very interesting advice, not only for in game usage, but interesting quotes to think on in general. Curiouser and curiouser!

Her story gets darker throughout gameplay, shifting from general strangeness to the downright absurd and disturbing as you uncover parts of characters’ backgrounds and Alice’s story about the fire. Playing this game gave me a lot of “WTF” moments as my original memory of Alice in Wonderland as a fun and delightfully weird children’s tale was turned inside out with no effs given. There was still some of the charm within the game, but with the downright evilness of some of the characters and the helplessness of some of the others and very sickening depictions of olden day mental asylums, this game breathed a different kind of life into a tale a lot of us have known.

I loved the Chesire cat’s and Alice’s updated character design from the first game, and also the graphics for the gameplay. I also admired the weapon designs to help it fit in this dark/dystopian/disturbing Wonderland. The game boards or places that she visited were done in a very creative manner to fit within this dark wonderland and I loved exploring them and seeing what each level had to offer in terms of surprises.

I had to get used to the gameplay and not losing important battles, but I caught on quickly, and didn’t experience too many problems like with the game that came before with movement and quickness of responsiveness. (gameplay issues) The gameplay had progressed with this second installment and did not distract from the story line, nor did it make me overly frustrated which is a plus.

Being into fashion and special abilities when it comes to games and replay value of a game, this game came through with different styled outfits for Alice to wear. The tentacle like dress and the Chesire styled ones were my favorites! I would totally replay this game and unlock more of the story line and hidden content.

Have you had a chance to play Alice Madness Returns? What did you think about it? Don’t be shy! Share your experience with us!