This month, this season has been interesting for me, two years after my sister's death. While some things have been quite fun, I've been thinking about my sister and the relationship that we just didn't fully have for whatever reason and factors that played into that. To have been going through a lot of what had happened alone whilst blogging, YouTubing, making gyaru events, and completing college has been quite a feat.
I never wanted my sister to die.
Though we weren't tied at the hip and had our own lives, it pains me that we could not and did not become close. I didn't want her to be continuing on with using hardcore drugs throughout her pregnancy post high school. I didn't like seeing her change and not complete the goals she had for herself. I hated how she made it seem like everything was ok even though it wasn't. Thinking on it these days, maybe she didn't want to make it seem as if things weren't going well for her so I wouldn't judge her. (?)
Having seen her and someone else help her evade DCFS check ins a few times, seeing her punch her pregnant belly, getting glimpses of alarming things and to have it end up in her overdosing and wondering if I had to identify her body and what she looked like after 2 years of not seeing her... it was heavy to take in. It still is.
Its heavy to take in things like this while pretending everything is ok and as if there aren't things disappointing you and worrying you. While trying to keep up a facade of things going right outside of gal and gamer life/drama/conflict. Its heavy and painful to have someone putting themselves and their children in danger willingly.
Outside of the painful parts that I've come to terms with, I do my best to appreciate the moments when we had some fun times; when we would watch anime together, the project we worked on, and being happy for her when she had things that weren't harmful to her.
Perhaps there were unresolved pain or maybe something that made her want to walk in the shoes of someone that did heroin and such. That maybe she wanted to feel invincible despite some health issues and the path she took was one that she thought she could come out of.
There were professionals who knew that the kids were unsafe and had a plan to help her be the mom she wanted/could have been, there should have been more people making it acceptable to use that assistance and not undermine the usefulness. Or if her family or the people she felt were her "saviors" would have guided her away from a life of being another statistic since I've always been told that everyone else has their life together and are oh so Christian and wise.
To keep things positive... she's not in pain anymore and the kids are safe from things they are too innocent to be a part of. That I had some close friends to bond a little more after with. That she's with mom and other family members...
In due time, this won't hurt so much.
またね★
