College Daze

It sucks hearing from a so called friend that she miscarried a baby with the man you had a crush on. You block it out, not wanting to think of them going at it to even get to such a conclusion thats being used to play on your sympathy. Or, is it slap in the face?

 You’d  think with so much time spent on various projects, working with a gyaru brand twice, using every braincell in an internship at a top Chicago University, blogging, researching, and pushing myself at different jobs that I’d get over the pain of being painfully naive and nooby with a colleague and a complex situation that got out of hand. 

It also doesn’t help when people also make little mentions of things that bring up someone. 

When I was younger, I saw someone that was well dressed and attractive. He seemed smart too. I remember being in a dorm with a girl who’d later start sexting someone I hadn’t dumped just yet. The words “He looks cute” escaped my lips, and the next thing I knew a girl that claimed to be friends with me (as well as someone else I cut out my life) started living with him in the dorm. 

I tucked my feelings deep down, wanting to not get hurt over the situation. She claimed us as friends on social media, and I foolishly ended up doing both their hair extensions for free. Thinking it would be good for the friendship. Thinking it would help bring me a few more clients. And how she gloated about bagging him, and going so far to tell me that she miscarried his child sometime before she got them kicked out the dorm. 

I was crushed. But, I believed in girl code so bad that I didn’t put up a fight. I tried to make sure my clothes were demure so I didn’t come off fast or easy when I’d hang out with her (I guess she just wanted to show off his assets that she got access to) while not giving the colleague much attention. 

Somehow, I found a website that called her a boyfriend stealer and that she’d steal her friends man. She claimed she’d never do that to a friend, but even though I wasn’t dating him (she did call him a player), what was I? Just someone to show her off on my blog so she could score points in the gyaru-sphere? 

I would have rather been friends with someone that I could actually vibe with and not make me feel uncomfortable with her pointing out how small her nose was (compared to a black person?) or other things that made me feel uncomfortable as someone that was a co-leader of a diverse group who made space for people.  

When she told me she took more money than was allowed from the guys bank account, I was floored again. What do I even do? Did he actually mind? Why tell me? To make me jealous that she had access to a man’s wallet that happened to be my crush and colleague? I remember feeling so uncomfortable. 

I remember her getting upset with me after a little after party where I did nothing wrong, just exist. Of course she’d blame a woman for something a man would do. It was in her nature. 

When everything fell apart, I felt used and like a shitty associate to my colleague. I was torn between two different worlds, art academia and the shadier side of gaijin gyaru circles. Where do I go? What do I do? Did it seem like I was co-signing her behavior despite this being the first time dealing with stuff like this? Do I seem anti-woman by not being on her side when she never was on mine? 

Focusing on school was best as, I’m sure my name was sullied by someone that probably didn’t like the fact that I loved Jfashion and different cultures. It’s also silly to assume things, but when you overhear things like “dark skinned people shouldn’t do xyz” it does make you wonder when those same exact people gravitate to you.

These things made me realize I had so much more growing to do. I had tried to keep everything and everyone together, and the feelings of udder disappointment stifled to be picture perfect like that Melanie Martinez song , Dollhouse. We were supposed to be THE BEST in Chicago, after all, the circle was becoming known globally. Yea, gals can be wild and fun, but we can work together too…. Right? RIGHT?! 

I held on so tightly, and the best thing was to let go. I’m glad I moved on. It’s freeing. After all, relationships are built on things that keep it going. 

Things like this also made me wonder if I was cut out to be a gal . Yes, I’m from the south side, yes I can get the makeup to look pretty decent, yes I had my events and went out,  but, was I supposed to be doing stuff like that too?  Force myself to like it? 

 I’m sure at the end of it all, they all didn’t mind what went down. They accepted it.