Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Busy Bee

Besides trying to see why I cant get a normal job to sustain my own endeavors, filing reports on stolen items at Chifi and also Acen, filing a report etc for an incident that happened near Mitsuwa in 2012,  wondering why people were telling me that some of the Chicago gals were trying to jump me, and still trying to stay calm and collected.

I never got in touch with Honey Color about the circle lens mishap so it won't get lost in the mail wayyy back when I first got into college, or when I had faulty contact lens too from Honeycolor.

And various other things too. geez.


Its too much for one person to do all by there themselves, plus babysitting, tutoring, and editing digital art stuff. To make it even more busy, still drawing and painting to keep that up.

Some days I worry or get stressed out, some days I can take my mind off of things,... which makes me question if I should relax or not. -_-;;

I will also be at a Cosplay event next week, Hosted by Sugargamers! Check it out on Facebook!!



well... That is it for now.

Ciao Ciao.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

BeachDay!

Went to the beach with the babies, Mora-baddd, ___Niquey, Vega,Gucci and one of their friends. 🌺

It was wayyyyyy too hot to be at the beach unless you were going to chill in the water... literally! 😜👓🔥

Too bad summer is almost over! I only stayed in Chicago since my last trip to work with Golds Infinity, Rei, Nino, Michi and other fashionable gals in the comm last summer. It was pretty exciting being able to dress how I wanted to work with people and businesses that know about the fashion etc.

I feel bad for missing it this year, 😩(even as an attendee)  and not being able to go back to atleast chill and derp around LA. I also have to cross off attending Sepiamemory's Blogger D-tan's para panel as well.....

Maybe I'll visit again during the fall? 🍁🍂🍃

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Rebirth

This may be a bit tmi and its a very personal tidbit of my life that I hid even from my family til now.

2011/2012
I was back on fetlife again, feeling terrible still about the gender I was forced into accepting. I posted a photo, showing myself in all its 'glory'. People fapped over the pix while I felt differently. I had wanted gender reassignment surgery for a long time and a lot of people I knew thought it was all a phase.

I recieved a message from one male individual saying or joked that he was an ax murderer and if I was the only one who could photograph myself naked.

I wasn't in my normal mind, and eventually met up with said photographer with a friend, Tomo from Black*Cherry. The photoshoot was done with a female photographer present on the first 2 shoots.

The third one, just me and the photographer, he had pushed his boundaries with me; pressing himself too close to my thighs while doing simple ropework on me, or having his pantsed penis near my face as I was lying bound on the bed. (A big nono for proffessional work).

He had eventually asked/wanted things to be unproffessional: he wanted sex (even mentioned getting tax money back at a restaurant up north near the Rosemont area for sex/escort services which I just stared at him blankly) and wanted to dispose the model and photographer relationship we had).

The first time we were intimate, his roommate (or sexual sub female) wasn't there. He played 'Corrupt' by Depeche Mode and wanted me stripped down + in a blind fold. When forced himself inside, it felt like like my insides were going to rip. It hurt badly. I wasn't used to his size! 

I wasn't the type of outgoing person in general and he'd blow me off, telling me what he thought I
I wanted to hear ( compliments on my looks don't do anything for me because it can be way too phony for me. ) He'd promise to take me out or tell me I wasn't too direct with what I wanted. It'd be about a month til he'd actually set aside time for me or make me feel a bit bad for not fawning over him as if he was the most handsome man ( not in my nature + I don't compliment like that or be phony).

After one date and him driving me back to my neighborhood ( this was supposed to mean he liked me or something) he told me he'd think of what to label our relationship and that he could buy coke in my neighborhood too. I was confused. 
I was also blank faced + taken aback from him asking to choke me out til I passed out.

He was also rough and liked to do breath play and slap me hard in the face. My depressive and suicidal side loved it. My normal self? Withdrawn way deep inside my mind...

After snooping on his Fetlife, I found out he had two sexual subs, not only increasing my risk for disease, but also witholding that info from me for whatever 'relationship' we had
My heart sank and I didn't eat for a week. The chemicals in my body from the shock of being lied to had me experiencing audio hallucinations + feeling like I was shrinking and the room I was in expanding. I was hurt!

He blamed me for falling in love with him and made excuses for him not telling me etc. It was my fault for 'falling' for him after the cuddling + bogus sweet nothings.

I was bad at communicating my discomfort or my disapproval, something I feel an Aspie and a male friend noticed about me.

I stopped talking to him after some months after meeting his daughter + the other sub he drank breastmilk from and was known to not tell her who he was seeing or fuckin in his 'poly relationship'.

2012/2013
I had some meetings of a therapist under my belt, met with people, but going through tough times with school, working and family.

We met up again, he even met my nerdy roommates too at the house I rented a room at.

He played me again. Telling me we'd meet up, saying I was too difficult to talk to. Taking me to cheap spots, beating me outside of a scene, not using a condom for 100% of sex play, saying I looked like a hooker and calling me cheap.

I was hurt and saw how cheap he was being after knowing how much pro dommes or subs made. I never got new or paid  photography work from knowing him or being put on his sites + instagram, and couldnt profit off the pix we did at all. 

I felt stupid again but realized how much he was cheating me and possibly why he is avoiding me again since last August or September.

I'm upset at myself for putting my brain + reproductive health in danger and getting no compensation from him.

I'm still taming my depression and managing possible schizophrenia with the help of loved ones and friends. Its been one hell of a journey for me and has affected so many areas of my life.