The other day, a ton of stuff clicked. Not the parts that I used inexpensive makeup or didn’t have all the fancy brushes or that it took me a while to cure my own anxiety or was just annoying socially or aloof.
Things I had overlooked seem so blatant now. Seeing how quiet I was about so many things, being so complacent, and slowly becoming a pushover to a person I thought I loved so much. To people I cared about so much despite them being difficult or showing me the most difficult sides of them (for some reasons I just will never know).
My break allowed me to see that I wasn’t allowing me to be who I am and allowed people’s dislike of me or what I was doing get in my head and quiet my thunder, dull my shine and keep doubts and negative thinking cozy in my head along wtth my own anxieties. My crazy addiction; allowing my depression to be personified and sandwiching myself between them. But also seeing how I was just repeating patterns socially for years. The same relationships happening over and over, just with different people playing the same role.
It’s weird having the things you enjoy bashed by the people closest to you, from the clothes you wear to how you even talk or the accomplishments you’ve achieved. It’s weird being redirected to actions that don’t have your best interests in mind whatsoever.
It’s weird letting yourself become so weak while people expect you to be strong OR just cocky, arrogant, in your face or an asshole or will paint you as one to undermine all you have done so the spotlight cannot be taken away from them. But that’s life. At least I love what I wear, and also one big thing I’ve always been into is list how someone can improve than bashing. :) It’s also weird feeling stuck in a mindset that despite things changing (ie my style, the followers, the blog or other factors) I was still living in the past. Still living as a person who just was not good enough.
Oops, have to keep my sentences simple ;)
Through this journey, I’ve learned to love myself beyond all the cake face of makeup and my blog. Saw beyond the wool that was pulled over my eyes from someone I loved who never loved me back. Learned from my mistakes and misadventures and lack of discernment. But, one can not learn if they don’t make mistakes and some knowledge is just golden.
Thank you Jesus.