Fat. Big. Thick. Stocky. Chubby. Thin. Slender. Skinny. Muscular. Toned. Built.
These adjectives have something in common: they are descriptors for the human form.
They aren’t inherently bad nor good words. As a society, depending on culture etc, these words can be given a whole new meaning. Depending on the culture, some words and states of the body can be more coveted than others.
Now about me....
I had described a person some odd years ago as “fat” with no ill will attached to it. Just a quick descriptor like having used the word short, tall, thick, slender. Maybe it was bad judgement on my part, but hey! No one is perfect and minor mistakes can be corrected. I’ll just use “thicc” or “plus sized”. No biggie. I’m not perfect, and yes, I’m learning! Like how “tranny” isn’t a good word to use. The troubles of being a hermit, homebody that forced themselves into the world.
Now mind you, I didn’t and never will equate fat with “ugly”, “bad”, or “unnattractive”, “lazy”but some people in my life had...(even some non skinny or toned men I dated. Unfortunate.) So what was the big idea? I don’t shame people, or tell them to lose weight, or say how glad I am to have a friend gain more weight so they could stop taking all my good clothes (literally. This awkward ass moment had me side eyeing the person running off at the mouth while their “friend”, cute as a button, looked so uncomfortable!) I love when big girls, phat girls, thick girls , all sorts can find something that they like, is fashionable for them, and looks soooo good on them. I like it when plus sized fashions aren’t half assed or an after thought.
I like when people of all sizes can rock something awesome and feel good within themselves without putting someone down, even if that is a person is thinner is thinner than they are.
Maybe it’s metabolism, a health issue, or just how they want to be in the world, small or big.
On top of that, society at large has to change, not just for women, but how men pit women against each other based on body size.
I do appreciate knowing when my wording my be off or can come across a little insensitive, but to have a so called “best friend” throw me under the bus in a public post to seem better when she was trying to get in the otaku spotlight after her own crazy stunts on and offline... is a whole other issue. But maybe that’s what young people thirsty for validation and internet fame are like these days. Claim to be someone’s friend, blow something small out of proportion and context, and seem like a savior than a traitor or backstabber in the eyes of masses.
I have to give A fair weather friend, ahem “bestie” and my former roommate props for going through my things when I wasn’t home for this to even been an online conversation (without me being a part of it to speak on my behalf).
Anyway.... share your comments or concerns below and we can chat about something!
Until next time.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
The other day, a ton of stuff clicked. Not the parts that I used inexpensive makeup or didn’t have all the fancy brushes or that it took me a while to cure my own anxiety or was just annoying socially or aloof.
Things I had overlooked seem so blatant now. Seeing how quiet I was about so many things, being so complacent, and slowly becoming a pushover to a person I thought I loved so much. To people I cared about so much despite them being difficult or showing me the most difficult sides of them (for some reasons I just will never know).
My break allowed me to see that I wasn’t allowing me to be who I am and allowed people’s dislike of me or what I was doing get in my head and quiet my thunder, dull my shine and keep doubts and negative thinking cozy in my head along wtth my own anxieties. My crazy addiction; allowing my depression to be personified and sandwiching myself between them. But also seeing how I was just repeating patterns socially for years. The same relationships happening over and over, just with different people playing the same role.
It’s weird having the things you enjoy bashed by the people closest to you, from the clothes you wear to how you even talk or the accomplishments you’ve achieved. It’s weird being redirected to actions that don’t have your best interests in mind whatsoever.
It’s weird letting yourself become so weak while people expect you to be strong OR just cocky, arrogant, in your face or an asshole or will paint you as one to undermine all you have done so the spotlight cannot be taken away from them. But that’s life. At least I love what I wear, and also one big thing I’ve always been into is list how someone can improve than bashing. :) It’s also weird feeling stuck in a mindset that despite things changing (ie my style, the followers, the blog or other factors) I was still living in the past. Still living as a person who just was not good enough.
Oops, have to keep my sentences simple ;)
Through this journey, I’ve learned to love myself beyond all the cake face of makeup and my blog. Saw beyond the wool that was pulled over my eyes from someone I loved who never loved me back. Learned from my mistakes and misadventures and lack of discernment. But, one can not learn if they don’t make mistakes and some knowledge is just golden.
Thank you Jesus.