This may be a bit tmi and its a very personal tidbit of my life that I hid even from my family til now.
2011/2012
I was back on fetlife again, feeling terrible still about the gender I was forced into accepting. I posted a photo, showing myself in all its 'glory'. People fapped over the pix while I felt differently. I had wanted gender reassignment surgery for a long time and a lot of people I knew thought it was all a phase.
I was back on fetlife again, feeling terrible still about the gender I was forced into accepting. I posted a photo, showing myself in all its 'glory'. People fapped over the pix while I felt differently. I had wanted gender reassignment surgery for a long time and a lot of people I knew thought it was all a phase.
I recieved a message from one male individual saying or joked that he was an ax murderer and if I was the only one who could photograph myself naked.
I wasn't in my normal mind, and eventually met up with said photographer with a friend, Tomo from Black*Cherry. The photoshoot was done with a female photographer present on the first 2 shoots.
The third one, just me and the photographer, he had pushed his boundaries with me; pressing himself too close to my thighs while doing simple ropework on me, or having his pantsed penis near my face as I was lying bound on the bed. (A big nono for proffessional work).
He had eventually asked/wanted things to be unproffessional: he wanted sex (even mentioned getting tax money back at a restaurant up north near the Rosemont area for sex/escort services which I just stared at him blankly) and wanted to dispose the model and photographer relationship we had).
The first time we were intimate, his roommate (or sexual sub female) wasn't there. He played 'Corrupt' by Depeche Mode and wanted me stripped down + in a blind fold. When forced himself inside, it felt like like my insides were going to rip. It hurt badly. I wasn't used to his size!
I wasn't the type of outgoing person in general and he'd blow me off, telling me what he thought I
I wanted to hear ( compliments on my looks don't do anything for me because it can be way too phony for me. ) He'd promise to take me out or tell me I wasn't too direct with what I wanted. It'd be about a month til he'd actually set aside time for me or make me feel a bit bad for not fawning over him as if he was the most handsome man ( not in my nature + I don't compliment like that or be phony).
I wanted to hear ( compliments on my looks don't do anything for me because it can be way too phony for me. ) He'd promise to take me out or tell me I wasn't too direct with what I wanted. It'd be about a month til he'd actually set aside time for me or make me feel a bit bad for not fawning over him as if he was the most handsome man ( not in my nature + I don't compliment like that or be phony).
After one date and him driving me back to my neighborhood ( this was supposed to mean he liked me or something) he told me he'd think of what to label our relationship and that he could buy coke in my neighborhood too. I was confused.
I was also blank faced + taken aback from him asking to choke me out til I passed out.
I was also blank faced + taken aback from him asking to choke me out til I passed out.
He was also rough and liked to do breath play and slap me hard in the face. My depressive and suicidal side loved it. My normal self? Withdrawn way deep inside my mind...
After snooping on his Fetlife, I found out he had two sexual subs, not only increasing my risk for disease, but also witholding that info from me for whatever 'relationship' we had
My heart sank and I didn't eat for a week. The chemicals in my body from the shock of being lied to had me experiencing audio hallucinations + feeling like I was shrinking and the room I was in expanding. I was hurt!
My heart sank and I didn't eat for a week. The chemicals in my body from the shock of being lied to had me experiencing audio hallucinations + feeling like I was shrinking and the room I was in expanding. I was hurt!
He blamed me for falling in love with him and made excuses for him not telling me etc. It was my fault for 'falling' for him after the cuddling + bogus sweet nothings.
I was bad at communicating my discomfort or my disapproval, something I feel an Aspie and a male friend noticed about me.
I stopped talking to him after some months after meeting his daughter + the other sub he drank breastmilk from and was known to not tell her who he was seeing or fuckin in his 'poly relationship'.
2012/2013
I had some meetings of a therapist under my belt, met with people, but going through tough times with school, working and family.
I had some meetings of a therapist under my belt, met with people, but going through tough times with school, working and family.
We met up again, he even met my nerdy roommates too at the house I rented a room at.
He played me again. Telling me we'd meet up, saying I was too difficult to talk to. Taking me to cheap spots, beating me outside of a scene, not using a condom for 100% of sex play, saying I looked like a hooker and calling me cheap.
I was hurt and saw how cheap he was being after knowing how much pro dommes or subs made. I never got new or paid photography work from knowing him or being put on his sites + instagram, and couldnt profit off the pix we did at all.
I felt stupid again but realized how much he was cheating me and possibly why he is avoiding me again since last August or September.
I'm upset at myself for putting my brain + reproductive health in danger and getting no compensation from him.
I'm still taming my depression and managing possible schizophrenia with the help of loved ones and friends. Its been one hell of a journey for me and has affected so many areas of my life.
Wow
ReplyDeleteYour story seems all over the place. It seems like this relationship failed because of poor communication and expectations for both involved. Also most subs are not paid. They are subs because they are submissive not for money. Anyhow hope you learned from this relationship
ReplyDeleteI wasn't his sub in the beginning. Just a model who couldn't profit off of the pix and did not do research on the photographer or the website he worked on
DeleteThat`s what happens when you date for compensation
ReplyDeleteFalse:
DeleteI did not. He wanted the model+photographer relationship to not be about business any more, and just wanted sex afterwards. He was the one wanting to do compensated dating, not I.
The only compensation I needed was him not to be a liar and a polyfucker/hoe.
DeleteHonesty would have suited perfectly. Not being dodgy.
Isn't that sexual harassment? Having initimate moments with your models. Plus he has a child, isnt she endangered having a sex offender in the house?
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't live with her but an older woman The mom has custody I believe of the child I met.
DeleteBut in her story he asked to discard the photographer/model relationship that they had and they started going out/dating. Also what the hell is pantsed?? Never heard of that word.
ReplyDeleteget some more professional help. sounds like you agreed to model, to have sex and to keep going back for contact - even after being lied to you as you say and that you knew about his chosen life style. If someone is that unprofessional and you were that put off by whatever you were asked you to do sexually, you shouldn't have gone back for more. If you had to "snoop" then you certainly didn't have trust. Everyone has a choice in using a condom or not (takes two) and it seems you are more upset about "not getting paid" or "more work" than anything else. And you shouldn't bring someone's kids into your blogs. Kids are innocent people who don't need anyone mentioning them in a blog that bashes a parent. People reading this should remember there are always two sides...especially when you mention mental health issues. good luck.
ReplyDeleteI already got professional help. Thanks I agreed to be a model. He wanted more than that, a sexual submissive to beat and choke. He played games trying to make me jealous by giving me his daughter name, then like, "yes! i am making her jealous of another woman! She wants me more" type of thinking. When I found out that He was actually having sex with other women, even in Germany, my heart dropped because it was like a "dont ask dont tell".
DeleteIts like telling you, don't use your computer or the internet when you are already addicted to using it in everyday life . The sales people roped you in, they have your card numbers and address etc tied to a device you need or think you need, or that you want.
Saying I "snooped" is wrong because he did the same to me and other models, women, and weakminded girls to think they needed him and that he cared when he knows that girls who have low self esteem will choose anybody that seems like they care.
If i was model and he was making money off of my videos or photography when I could not, then that is him withholding payment for WORK or PORNOGRAPHY work. If it was just a relationship without the modeling contracts, then he is controlling my money that I could have made . Its like your boss withholding your paycheck when you clock in for work.
I am not bashing a parent. Even if I didn't know he had kids, he has a high probablity of having them, plus, he let me meet his daughter anyway. That was his choice. Not mine. He also wanted me to work at birthday parties too since I do all of my gal make up and such.
I am well aware of things having two sides, even if it is wrong writing this side of my story and what I went through, we still had pictures and were seen in public together with my friends who met my family.... well, people will have to see or hear his side and have him explain his social media and websites and his accounts and the emails and pix we sent to each other as a "couple".
Looks like the culprit read your blog. Why is that reader so affected.
DeleteHe had wanted to purchase the domain name for my blog to keep my site (and my blogs popularity, hits, etc) under his control after seeing the stats and followers of my blog and the work i put into it.
DeleteI hate men who take advantage! Why cant they just be honest and say whats up instead of keeping 5 girls at a time and lying to all of them. That guy has major issues! Hope he gets his karma. Revenge time babe!
ReplyDeleteThat man does not deserve you! Keep on walking.
ReplyDelete