Reflections

July 24,2018

Some x from high school cheated on me and that its a dumb as fuck to continue to be with someone who is showing violent tendencies and lack of ambition as a teen, and even worse when you give them chances to get their act together instead of them doing so on their own free will. Even worse when they add up your gyaru peers to spread rumours about you or get others to do their dirty work for him. 

I diverted my attention from what happened and overworked myself to avoid thinking about it fully. Part of that is ok as I didn't allow myself to go back to something undesireable, yet I wasn't fully addressing something at the same time. 

Ive been coming to terms that when he wanted to include my “gal pals” physically in our relationship, he meant it. I’ve been coming to terms that during the summer of 2010, when I called his phone and a woman picked up and told me that she was busy with him, it could have been a woman he was intimate with despite our relationship being monogamous...or at least me being monogamous to him. (apparently there is a term for this in certain circles.... poly-fuckery. You're not really polyamorous- being honest on who you are seeing, you are forcing someone into dealing with you cheating but "not really'. You're welcome for a new vocab word.)

I’ve come to terms that he was scared he would lose his main chick or whatever he considered me as that summer and only pretended to cry so that I would pity him and take him back. I would not be surprised that when we were making our open relationship agreement (so I could actually go on dates because he didnt want to.... when I could have just blocked his number and went on with my college life... ) that he only wanted to be the one to have physical relations with other women and for me to be ok with that because he was cheating on me through those few years. It was like him being able to do as he pleased while I couldn't even get a kiss from a new suitor. (Unfair much?! )

I have been coming to terms with a nerdy woman blurting out to me that they didn't have cooties to me and that they were most likely alluding to them being intimate with my partner, bringing up conversations of having some Asian guy pay her rent (I had a similar convo of my ex wanting to “move in with me”), or her asking me what “size” of a man I liked and that she didn't prefer “small ones”. WEIRD.
 I also am concerned that they were at the clinic I went to when my x blamed me for something (a little before being told that a woman didnt have cooties) . Like , was I being followed there? Was she with my bf at the time when he bitched me out over the phone or something?

Not having the distractions of silly little spats and dealing with all the memories that flood back to me, I just wish I had the answers years ago to avoid working with someone that thinks its ok to do this and smile in my face and try to slip in calling ME a hoe in conversation as if that is empowering me, as if that's what friends/peers/partners in business do. 

But to be able to see how a a sexist guy thinks who wanted to be catered to and have a woman pamper him and buy him clothes without even earning that right... to be called Satan for “cheating” by someone who did so willing flirting with Saint Louis and Chicago acquaintances and calling THEM clingy, telling me i should gain weight to not be considered attractive, who went through my phone AND emails yet never offered to show me who he was messaging or calling... thats embarrassing to think that someone will think that some "history" of being together would allow them to continue this behaviour for another round with not even a true apology? lol. hilarious. 

Thanks for always thinking of me so much. I've been entertained greatly and enjoyed the attention from all the randos.