Video Analysis - M3LL155x

I was very excited to watch Twigs latest video, M3LL155x . The videography is awe inspiring and takes full advantage of what can be done in music videos.

Rebirth

This may be a bit tmi and its a very personal tidbit of my life that I hid even from my family til now.

2011/2012
I was back on fetlife again, feeling terrible still about the gender I was forced into accepting. I posted a photo, showing myself in all its 'glory'. People fapped over the pix while I felt differently. I had wanted gender reassignment surgery for a long time and a lot of people I knew thought it was all a phase.

I recieved a message from one male individual saying or joked that he was an ax murderer and if I was the only one who could photograph myself naked.

I wasn't in my normal mind, and eventually met up with said photographer with a friend, Tomo from Black*Cherry. The photoshoot was done with a female photographer present on the first 2 shoots.

The third one, just me and the photographer, he had pushed his boundaries with me; pressing himself too close to my thighs while doing simple ropework on me, or having his pantsed penis near my face as I was lying bound on the bed. (A big nono for proffessional work).

He had eventually asked/wanted things to be unproffessional: he wanted sex (even mentioned getting tax money back at a restaurant up north near the Rosemont area for sex/escort services which I just stared at him blankly) and wanted to dispose the model and photographer relationship we had).

The first time we were intimate, his roommate (or sexual sub female) wasn't there. He played 'Corrupt' by Depeche Mode and wanted me stripped down + in a blind fold. When forced himself inside, it felt like like my insides were going to rip. It hurt badly. I wasn't used to his size! 

I wasn't the type of outgoing person in general and he'd blow me off, telling me what he thought I
I wanted to hear ( compliments on my looks don't do anything for me because it can be way too phony for me. ) He'd promise to take me out or tell me I wasn't too direct with what I wanted. It'd be about a month til he'd actually set aside time for me or make me feel a bit bad for not fawning over him as if he was the most handsome man ( not in my nature + I don't compliment like that or be phony).

After one date and him driving me back to my neighborhood ( this was supposed to mean he liked me or something) he told me he'd think of what to label our relationship and that he could buy coke in my neighborhood too. I was confused. 
I was also blank faced + taken aback from him asking to choke me out til I passed out.

He was also rough and liked to do breath play and slap me hard in the face. My depressive and suicidal side loved it. My normal self? Withdrawn way deep inside my mind...

After snooping on his Fetlife, I found out he had two sexual subs, not only increasing my risk for disease, but also witholding that info from me for whatever 'relationship' we had
My heart sank and I didn't eat for a week. The chemicals in my body from the shock of being lied to had me experiencing audio hallucinations + feeling like I was shrinking and the room I was in expanding. I was hurt!

He blamed me for falling in love with him and made excuses for him not telling me etc. It was my fault for 'falling' for him after the cuddling + bogus sweet nothings.

I was bad at communicating my discomfort or my disapproval, something I feel an Aspie and a male friend noticed about me.

I stopped talking to him after some months after meeting his daughter + the other sub he drank breastmilk from and was known to not tell her who he was seeing or fuckin in his 'poly relationship'.

2012/2013
I had some meetings of a therapist under my belt, met with people, but going through tough times with school, working and family.

We met up again, he even met my nerdy roommates too at the house I rented a room at.

He played me again. Telling me we'd meet up, saying I was too difficult to talk to. Taking me to cheap spots, beating me outside of a scene, not using a condom for 100% of sex play, saying I looked like a hooker and calling me cheap.

I was hurt and saw how cheap he was being after knowing how much pro dommes or subs made. I never got new or paid  photography work from knowing him or being put on his sites + instagram, and couldnt profit off the pix we did at all. 

I felt stupid again but realized how much he was cheating me and possibly why he is avoiding me again since last August or September.

I'm upset at myself for putting my brain + reproductive health in danger and getting no compensation from him.

I'm still taming my depression and managing possible schizophrenia with the help of loved ones and friends. Its been one hell of a journey for me and has affected so many areas of my life.

Nature Sanctuary

6/12/2015

Long time no see readers!

Spent some time with Jade/Purin, Jojo and James; Purin’s kid and partner

Been busy and away from the wifi for some time. I just have been updating things mostly from my phone so I can only do so much on a mobile device!

  

I visit the beach and Nature Sanctuary quite often on the South Side of Chicago. I was able to mimic and summon black birds and seagulls over there, and make them hover in the air too!

Saw the sunrise in my own city! yippu!

 I was also able to see 2 male ducks and a female duck, and a some moments later, I was able to see a mother duck with her ducklings. They were so cute and the ducklings were small enough to walk on the lily pads there!

Up

Drew an eye in the dirt with a shovel. Its very... crude compared to my pen and ink drawings.

I also brought over sticks, branches, and dry leaves for one of the fire pits there so I could create a campfire and also let the smoke from the fire keep some of the mosquitos away from me. The fire does make the birds seem a lil anxious, but since it is contained, they don’t need to worry too much!

Handmade Clock/compass
The top part faces towards downtown. The right side faces the lake.

I was able to create graphite from the burnt branches too! I used that to mark on the circular stone structures where I saw the sun rise or the moment where the sun was in the sky!

I did chill with a few nice people who walked past my campfire spot, and tried to be friendly to some who actually threw rocks at me when I saw them at the beach WHILE other adults were nearby. I guess not everyone who is your colour or race/ethnicity or even younger than you will be friendly to you or respect you. :/

Caught some of it! Yippu!

 The Nature Sanctuary is a bit far from the north side, so not a lot of people head here. I don’t want the neighborhood to deter them away from a beautiful place in South Shore!!

Until next time you all! 

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Redbubble items up! click here
I buy my super cute circle lens from PinkyParadise

Weddin' Season

Though I am still single for about 1 year and 7months now, the anxiety that comes with just thinking about marriage still pops up in my head:

Will I get married? Will I find someone who will actually be there for me? Will we be a good team together? Will they accept me for who I am? Will I accept them? Will they honestly like me for me?

Its not like I have been in a relationship for years or even ACTUALLY engaged to even have it be a big deal for me to freak out about it... but still!

Working at Joann Fabrics and Crafts and having to stock and price tulle, table decorations, sashes, and signage for people into diy wedding crafts and bachelorette parties.

Seeing an advertisement when I was working for Joanns about Joann Fabrics and Crafts about diying gifts and crafts for weddings.

I go to a karaoke bar about two months ago, and there are bridesmaids singing "Gangster's Paradise".

I windowshop in various places for deals and just passing time to turn around and see slightly tacky white blinged out things like "wifey" and "bride".

This past weekend while waiting in line to get into SoundBar, a group of bros (one was pretty cute though, ahahaha) was talking about one of the guys in the group being engaged and his last night of being a non married man. a group of ladies wearing fake leis following a bride to be with a not so matching white veil on her head... and two white guys calling themselves honkies and talking about "honky grits"... ok... that last bit was just a random part of a convo from waiting in line with them.

For me to be nearing my 30s (yikes!), time passing me by, and almost barely touching my goals if at all, I still get flustered by the fleeting thoughts and reminders in normal life that people do still get married to each other, and... that I may get hitched to someone in this lifetime. 

Maybe it won't be all that bad when it does happen, and I'll just have freak out moments with planning stuff out... I guess.

Enjoy this hilarious "horror" video about wedding season from Buzzfeed~!!