This may be a bit tmi and its a very personal tidbit of my life that I hid even from my family til now.
2011/2012
I was back on fetlife again, feeling terrible still about the gender I was forced into accepting. I posted a photo, showing myself in all its 'glory'. People fapped over the pix while I felt differently. I had wanted gender reassignment surgery for a long time and a lot of people I knew thought it was all a phase.
I recieved a message from one male individual saying or joked that he was an ax murderer and if I was the only one who could photograph myself naked.
I wasn't in my normal mind, and eventually met up with said photographer with a friend, Tomo from Black*Cherry. The photoshoot was done with a female photographer present on the first 2 shoots.
The third one, just me and the photographer, he had pushed his boundaries with me; pressing himself too close to my thighs while doing simple ropework on me, or having his pantsed penis near my face as I was lying bound on the bed. (A big nono for proffessional work).
He had eventually asked/wanted things to be unproffessional: he wanted sex (even mentioned getting tax money back at a restaurant up north near the Rosemont area for sex/escort services which I just stared at him blankly) and wanted to dispose the model and photographer relationship we had).
The first time we were intimate, his roommate (or sexual sub female) wasn't there. He played 'Corrupt' by Depeche Mode and wanted me stripped down + in a blind fold. When forced himself inside, it felt like like my insides were going to rip. It hurt badly. I wasn't used to his size!
I wasn't the type of outgoing person in general and he'd blow me off, telling me what he thought I
I wanted to hear ( compliments on my looks don't do anything for me because it can be way too phony for me. ) He'd promise to take me out or tell me I wasn't too direct with what I wanted. It'd be about a month til he'd actually set aside time for me or make me feel a bit bad for not fawning over him as if he was the most handsome man ( not in my nature + I don't compliment like that or be phony).
After one date and him driving me back to my neighborhood ( this was supposed to mean he liked me or something) he told me he'd think of what to label our relationship and that he could buy coke in my neighborhood too. I was confused.
I was also blank faced + taken aback from him asking to choke me out til I passed out.
He was also rough and liked to do breath play and slap me hard in the face. My depressive and suicidal side loved it. My normal self? Withdrawn way deep inside my mind...
After snooping on his Fetlife, I found out he had two sexual subs, not only increasing my risk for disease, but also witholding that info from me for whatever 'relationship' we had
My heart sank and I didn't eat for a week. The chemicals in my body from the shock of being lied to had me experiencing audio hallucinations + feeling like I was shrinking and the room I was in expanding. I was hurt!
He blamed me for falling in love with him and made excuses for him not telling me etc. It was my fault for 'falling' for him after the cuddling + bogus sweet nothings.
I was bad at communicating my discomfort or my disapproval, something I feel an Aspie and a male friend noticed about me.
I stopped talking to him after some months after meeting his daughter + the other sub he drank breastmilk from and was known to not tell her who he was seeing or fuckin in his 'poly relationship'.
2012/2013
I had some meetings of a therapist under my belt, met with people, but going through tough times with school, working and family.
We met up again, he even met my nerdy roommates too at the house I rented a room at.
He played me again. Telling me we'd meet up, saying I was too difficult to talk to. Taking me to cheap spots, beating me outside of a scene, not using a condom for 100% of sex play, saying I looked like a hooker and calling me cheap.
I was hurt and saw how cheap he was being after knowing how much pro dommes or subs made. I never got new or paid photography work from knowing him or being put on his sites + instagram, and couldnt profit off the pix we did at all.
I felt stupid again but realized how much he was cheating me and possibly why he is avoiding me again since last August or September.
I'm upset at myself for putting my brain + reproductive health in danger and getting no compensation from him.
I'm still taming my depression and managing possible schizophrenia with the help of loved ones and friends. Its been one hell of a journey for me and has affected so many areas of my life.
