What Would You Do? Scapegoat Edition

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So.... what does one do when you make acquaintances with people that hate who you are as a person and can only downplay your achievements, never congratulate you, never be happy for you about anything. What do you do when these random people who smile at you and then get in the way of your career centered connections or even followers and act as if they don't know what they are doing but still want to be in your pictures and blog because its somewhat "popular" at the time or want you to devote all your time for no monetary compensation for "exposure"?(And the kind of exposure that helps you land customers or help you out, but it just "exposes" all the "negative" things you've said or done so people will end up not supporting your efforts. That you become isolated and can't even hustle to bring in money for basic needs, a sort of financial abuse if you will.)

Apparently, hanging out with them and giving them the benefit of a doubt time and time again doesn't work, nor humbling yourself so much so it makes people comfortable. Apparently, collaborating with them, does not work, nor changing the subject when there are topics I don't like come up. Apparently, keeping them close gives them oppurtunities to use my name and connection to discredit me or say anything negative to anyone that would listen and have it seem credible because of being "friends" on facebook, or to propell themselves farther. I word that someone told me was "oppurtunistic". Apparenty, Burberry handbags, that may or may not be authentic, are apologies for actions that are never fully rectified and never will be because thats who they are. This is what I learned, slowly but surely over those long 14 years. Being told I was being scapegoated for someone else's problems that were there before I met them.

Apparently, the actions that I have taken 14 years ago after becoming single and creating a few groups to help the main group's goals I was in, and continuing on with acquantainces that were in love with someone who was extremely incompatible with me did more harm than good as a gaijin gyaru/alternative fashion blogger and hobbyist was NOT the best course of action.

It is interesting being reduced to a sex object by women so concerned about that facet of my life while I was more interested in creating art and finishing college. That these strangers, random people, will never see me as the college student and artist that I was at the time delving into online communties. It is interesting never speaking my mind about those situations, thinking that if I wasn't getting flustered, that I could focus on something else. No, these strangers SEE that I do art, creating hairpieces and etc... but they don't want to acknowledge and hate that I am able to do those things.

What I've learned its... Moving on is great even after realizing that things are not going as planned, but not when you inadvertedly dox yourself by giving someone your resume that is not helping you in the gaming/gal/regular community and never will because they don't want you to make profits. Moving on is great when you aren't adding people who are being disrespectful to you. Moving on is great when you don't tell people whwere you work or go to school when you have a somewhat initially strong online presence. Moving on is great when you can make sure that no one is sabotaging your personal life and your regular jobs. Moving on is great when you aren't opening yourself and your personal life up to people that want to say horrible things to the people who are employing you so that your support system falls away or starts treating you horribly as well. "Snubbing..." right?

What I've learned is that some people will never apologize for the things they have said, nor the actions they have done. They want to appear perfect to everyone despite everything that has happened, or want me to simply forget or otherwise... That they NEED someone so desperately to hold all these negative attributes for them. THEY cannot be overly sexual even if they are, because that doesn't align with their image they want people to believe. Someone else has to hold the burden, even unwittingly, as the sex symbol or promiscuous being. That me actually learning how to code, even just a bit, me actually knowing how to paint, going to college, continuing my education etc, is destroying the new image for me they are telling people about which would make them liars, haters, or just people who blurt out career destroying things.

If they were friends, wouldn't they come to me about our personal business and NOT spread "my" information to strangers in secret groups? If they were really friends, wouldn't they be bragging about my accomplishments? When did friends just want to humble you so much and make you out to be some monster who can't learn and NEED people to hate? To scapegoat and project all their issues on someone that would constantly come back and not question their actions? WHen did breaking up with someone become so troublesome? When has it been ok to tell private things or seemingly private things to strangers that you cant go to the person and seem to want to still have them around at the same time? Or is to ruin the "clout" and "popularity" i had so THEY wouldn't be overthrown or because they feel as if they were? I wonder who knows....

Have people been that hungry and entitled to attention and compliments and validation, and I just overlooked it? Did speaking negatively about me cure them of their issues or just gave them some sadistic pleasure to fiddle themselves at night?

Its a compliment to know that some people will always speak bad about me and have me be at the topic of their conversations if it helps soothe a bruised ego. Its weird, but a compliment and sense of odd validation that feels much stronger than inspiring people to dress in Jfashion, or get into gal to make a new gyaru circle that would overtake a group that should have never been, or being called pretty after caking on layers of make up and several pairs of eyelashes. Its more of a compliment than your hot crush wanting to kiss you at a mini after party after your so called "friend" claims she had a miscarriage with his baby and has been living under him not wanting to work. So, thank you acquaintaces for giving me the best validation of my life, despite it hindering finding regular work and people believing that we were actually close friends than people getting to know each other.

Life is strange.

Donations can be sent to my paypal account to support the blog. Unless you want to stay anonymous to be safe, written thank you will be in the next post..

Values, Failures, Mission Statement

Good evening! How are you? Are you doing alright after the pandemic and with all the chaos going on in the world? Are you doing alright with your work load or with the topics you are studying?

You know...this blog was generally centered around various aspects of my days throughout college, events I hosted with others, or what I found cool. However, it didn't allow much in the ways of getting to see your perspectives and such. And for that, I apologize. I did want to share with you some things. My content, projects and such were also a space for me to showcase the values that I held and not just cutely decorated nails, convention coverage and Jfashion trends. I thought that I was getting the message across and being open and accepting to the people around me despite the differences.

Looking back,one of the things I failed at was that I saw that I was NOT typing or verbally expressing them like I should in moments that occured. Redirecting conversations and not adding in comments is great, however, I did not fully get the message across. This caused a lot of misinterpretiations in and out of relationships with new acquantances and that can and possibly did reach others before they spoke with me which caused 2 things:

1. Me not being able to share my side or question the validity of what was said.

2. Not given the chance to apologize and talk it out with the persons who I seemed to offend who did not want to tell me but to broadcast it to others despite me having a policy of talking things out for clarification and improving relations.

A few more failures:

Not clarifying what I wanted in my relationships boundary wise; personal and professional, led to a lot of failures. Not stating who was actually a PR Person or not and the stance for my content and brand with them. Overlooking conflict in my personal/private relationship that I did not tend to in a timely manner which affected a multitude of connections. Not considering what a competitor told me; "You can't build a business with "friends"", and not questioning what they meant and how it would affect the projects I was collaborating on.

This has all been an interesting journey.

We deserve love - Anti Latinx/poc hate, fatphobia is not tolerated here

 For the most of us, we can all agree that we should all be able to be respected for who were are when it comes to our ethnicities, body types and for the languages that we speak beyond English and to have healthy high self esteem. We can also agree that the people who we follow or get involved with or who seek us out should have our best interests at heart and not play on our fears and insecurities. When we clarify and connect, we use our own thinking skills and avoid things damaging our self esteem and losing people who support us.  Some people are desperate to divide us by any means necessary to conquer and be perceived as perfect, popular and powerful. They use our bickering,pettiness, our falling outs, and even negative emotions to be able to do accomplish this because they fear us having a strong support group and potentially “losing”. 

More info on how this is achieved is below  ⬇️ 

-take the spotlight off of them and any negative actions they caused before throwing someone under the bus for fun/survival

-to throw someone under the bus, undermine their work and effort and silence them

-the reason why they brought up negativity in the first place  

-to create an enemy of a secret rival and to seem perfect to someone else’s audience and connections

-to keep their hands “clean” while others do their dirty work

-to avoid accountability (there is too much chaos happening.)

-to erode trust in between friends, fans, etc

-to not “lose” to someone they seem a rival 

This is a common tactic for rivals in and out of the game of politics which includes competing businesses and even relationships. 

This can cause one person or group to seem hateful and the other party to partake in actions that can create a negative response that can lead to a reaction that fulfills a prophecy as well as dividing groups and friendships and ruining trust.go

 It amplifies ordinary actions or lying about them and makes people take things out of proportion and to make something out of nothing without you using your own mind and skills for doing your own due diligence (asking for facts, clarity, even having that other party there to tell the side of their own story). 

When we take the time to think for ourselves and ask questions about their intent (doing our due diligence to make informed choices), we can overcome the hurdles of broken relationships, self esteem  and find common points to clarify and conmect. This can be scary for some people who rely on these tactics for power and popularity and winning at all costs. 

Anti Latinx or poc hate is not tolerated here

You know that at a certain distance, you might recognize someone or not by their gait or body type? Or if you didn’t know some groups of people could be taller or shorter and all that or that there could be similarities etc??I had an experience with that once, and it backfired on me and I didn’t have a chance to explain or even apologize or get some sort of  clarification. Especially to the people that mattered the most to me. 

I recall seeing someone that I THOUGHT was a Hispanic student at my school (the ones I knew were built muscular and that’s what I knew and saw during that time in my life. ) I didn’t realize until later that the particular person weren’t Hispanic at all,but that did not deter me from wanting to get to know them. 

I thought “oh! Didn’t know. (Moving on, new info acquired❣️),” and that person didn’t fit a certain mold (or stereotype either.) That helped me change my view on that, and I didn’t think that mistaking them for hispanic was a bad thing. When I started to have Latino friends I WAS made aware that you shouldn’t mix up the different Latino cultures/races and was thankful for that despite only knowing Mexican students in a class. 

I even brought it up when me and the male individual I mistook as Hispanic started talking because I thought it was silly of me and it was like one of those “how did you meet moments”. I didn’t know that they would find it insulting later on (even though they would tell me that other Mexicans thought he was one of them as well and they liked that he could speak some Spanish which made him happy and I suppose feel included. 

After 2010/2011 or so til a current interview I had, with a lot of other things in the middle of that time -being an entrepreneur or trying, my moms cancer diagnosis and death, not trying to drop out of school or fail due to my moms health,and taking a loss from a relationship, people started to hint at that I didn’t like Mexicans or Latinx people or Spanish language. It wasn’t as prevelant as it is now , but I found it odd. 

I did have someone tell me something’s that I didn’t agree with regarding Latinx men in 2010 ish, and i wasn’t as verbal and pushy on telling them that I will NOT have someone as a friend etc in my life that held that view. I also was focused more on “(poc) gal/alt fashion is life” than blantant anti racism advocacy. 

I didnt understand the context at the time of a low key phrasing, and though me and a woman were not friends and tried to do business collabs, I noticed that people treated me differently, thinking we were besties because we took a couple of pix together. Or that someone else could have misconstrued my words to only cast me in a negative light when we were not a good fit for each other and I wanted to move on whether or not I’d be cast as the villain for moving on. 

My Latinx friends that I respected, and even wished I was as talented and entrepreneurial like they were started to view me differently despite me never disrespecting them or having body language that showed I didn’t like their language. I didn’t want to be depressed and stressed out and not enjoy their company or feel like the sad Debbie downer with them. I couldn’t even enjoy the family summertime lunch I was invited to because of all the rumors and things I thought I could deal with on my own. 

If I could go back in time, it would have been lovely to clarify to them what I meant and not have people and even hiring managers think that I find other languages offensive due to someone misconstruing what I said when I wasn’t rejecting them based on race or looks. It would have been great to have been given space to rectify the situation one on one with them than hearing a rumor that I didn’t know where it could have came from at the time. 

I have to do better at advocating for my brothers and sisters of various races. We are all individuals after all and stereotypes and generalizations are hurtful, dehumanizing and  lazy.