On Abuse, Jealousy and Isolation

 It’s interesting that someone can claim relationship titles or anything to justify saying awful things about you to the people who you may have stronger bonds with, even under the guise of “caring” (and never bring it up to the person they are referring to). 

And those bonds that were stronger don’t question it, don’t question the intent to why they were being talked to by someone that was not introduced properly, and don’t even get the person of the topic involved. That bond is weakened and ultimately destroyed, and the target of the conversation is isolated and has no support group after all the talking, an abusive, jealous person's favorite outcome more than just moving on and minding their business. 

Here are some clips from specialists about the dynamics of this  

https://youtube.com/watch?v=ECKkCUWDx7w&feature=sharec

https://youtube.com/shorts/LoVxuD9z-QA?feature=sharec

Anti Latinx or poc hate is not tolerated here

You know that at a certain distance, you might recognize someone or not by their gait or body type? Or if you didn’t know some groups of people could be taller or shorter and all that or that there could be similarities etc??I had an experience with that once, and it backfired on me and I didn’t have a chance to explain or even apologize or get some sort of  clarification. Especially to the people that mattered the most to me. 

Afromexican article that you must read!

 Check out this amazing article from Black Girl Nerds on AfroLatinx people and history!!

Changes

 Currently revamping things for this new year so old posts and such aren’t available at this time. 

YouTube videos have followed suit as well, but I appreciate the comments and views that I received over the years when embarking on a journey of self discovery. That included my own fashion adventures and mishaps, as well as meeting people and coordinating events and learning about what it takes to be a gyaru or be in a group, let alone becoming a leader and group manager/coordinator and understanding what that entails from the ground up. It’s a lot of work and not just super kawaii sparklyness when you want to surpass just hanging out, to something that can be self sustainable and long lasting for ourselves and the community at large.   

This has tested me in ways that I would have never known it would, as I saw the fun clothes and sparklyness and happy fun times and just had that at the forefront of my mind than just studying and making grades. 

I am grateful for the lessons learned throughout all this, even when I didn’t understand it all at the time. 

Thank you

I’ll be a Spanish Speaker

 This year, as I notice myself taking a break from learning Kanji and new Japanese words…I want to make my childhood dream come true (and maybe even try to find old telenovas from telemundo from the early 2000s til 2004) by self studying more basic Spanish phrases before I sign up for an online course. 🫡🥰

I can roll some r’s, and get around basic pronunciations thanks to Telemundo shows and some Spanish music and being around Spanish speakers in high school and beyond. Plus, there’s some similarities with French so it may even help a bit. It has been a regret that I DIDNT take Spanish class when it’s more widely used. Doh!!😣 I would have had more chances to use it often outside of class. That would have built up vocabulary and sounding less textbookish, and helped with natural speed and rhythm. 

After studying Japanese and finding out more dialects and perceptions of those languages as well as being cognizant of  English and slang and historical(racial) contexts in America…. It hinders me studying Spanish a little as there’s sdifferent forms of Spanish being spoken (Mexican, Spain’s Spanish, Ecuadorian or Guatemalan Spanish)I don’t want to just stick to the one that’s seen as “better” or more standard and unintentionally disregard other forms that’s spoken due to colonization etc etc. nor do I want to take a route that may be “easier” in terms of conjugation but it’s not usually spoken because it’s not standard (most likely due to colonization and number of people who speak it or that countries power and influence) but seeming as if I’m just lazy when the majority speaks a different and more “acceptable”(?) form of Spanish. This thinking keeps me back from diving in fully which is something I’m working on aside from just making grammatical mistakes while speaking. 

In the past, I self studied a handful of Cantonese (tones are soooo hard, and there’s like, 6?! 😵‍💫), then had French class for 2 years, then Japanese class for 1.5 in college (I could NOT do self studying with this on grade school. Well… I guess beyond words for Ms/Mr, basic numbers and yes/no. And I’m not counting memorizing songs at all despite it helping with immersion). 

I also see there’s an app for reading the language and you can poke at the words to get their meaning right in the sentence. I’d love that and will be getting that one of these days because I see it’s super handy.

Maxwell band night (to be re-edited.... with photos...)

  

At Elastic Arts Maxwell-Thomas had a show. It was my first time hearing about them, Heartlets.

The played closer, paradise, and Hollywood. They did a cover of a good fighters song as well as A little info I found to read with to you:

 About the band

Maxwell-Thomas

Maxwell-Thomas is a post-grunge, alternative rock collective led by songwriter, Stephen Mortensen. From its debut release in 2010, the 6-song EP, “The Ghosts I’ve Touched” to 2021’s full album, “Daisuki Baby,” Maxwell-Thomas has had numerous friends and collaborators touch its music. In 2022, the band finds its current line up energized by the eclectic drum stylings of Jun Takanarita, the dirty guitar slinging of Quinn Dean, and the pounding, pulsating rhythms of bassist, Tim Schiltz. Motivated by one passion, the desire to rock, Maxwell-Thomas finds itself at a career-peak as the group perfects an all killer, no filler set list. Taking inspiration from artists like Foo Fighters, the Pillows, and even iconic video game soundtracks such as “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” and “Persona 5,” Maxwell-Thomas is intent on delivering a performance that is tight, polished, and brimming with electricity. Stream Maxwell-Thomas anywhere you find digital music. Search “Mistreat Me” or “Scattered” to hear fan favorites.

—-

The opener was Bass-, one of their songs had me envisioning a high speed car chase for all the wrong reasons set in the 70’s with a slight sepia tone tinge. 

Diamond Gyaru Mistakes (storytime #3

Hi Heartlets, this is a post in two parts; Here is the link to the youtube video~ 

So, during the last few years after not getting my fellowship at the University of Chicago possibly due to someone breaching my boundaries and contacting another manager where I am working to get me fired again, I had time to think about various facets of my life. Of course, my involvement in the gyaru community, me being gal and things of that nature come flooding back to me, the good and the bad. 

When I joined Diamond gyaru event circle, America's #1 gyaru circle back in 2010 or so, not only was I elated that I got accepted into a galcir, but I was also so nervous! The best of the best! Gals whose subgenre styling; makeup, hairmake, outfits and demeanor, were on point. 

With my acceptance into Diamond gyaru circle, I felt validated as a participant no longer new in the scene. My efforts spent into my look and commitment to engaging positively with others were noticed. 

Two Midwest Diamond gyaru, another one, L.A., who was accepted into Diamond after being in Chicago's 1st gyaru circle Kamikaze girls, helped get me acclimated into the new level that I entered. Within any organization, school, social club, and so on, there are ground rules to abide by. A few of the most obvious ones were to be a lifestyle gyaru; hair and make done and styled daily. Another rule was to not be involved in drama. 

That meant no GyaruSecrets posting. No replying to secrets made about you or your circle members. Being catty. bitchy, or starting trouble for others or with others was certainly OFF the table. Little did I know, that my being involved with a gyaru who may have been behind my rejection response with Kamikaze Gals would be my blindspot. 

For those of you who have been with me on my gyaru/gamer journey would have known about the times of me being stood up and blown off by a gyaru who I found out was someone that was deliberately sexting the guy I was in relationship at the time. Not only that, but calling me and some other Black*Cherry members a bitch on her blog years ago and other actions. 

Looking back on it, I did NOT want to be the girl who fights with other girls over a guy with self esteem issues. I wanted to work things out and make gyaru life amazing in Chicago. But, there were things I had to accept even though it weren't things I wanted. 

Miyavi 20year Anniversary Tour

Photo Credit AXS.com

My YouTube channel wasn’t the only anniversary celebration to be had this year as Miyavi, a well known Japanese-Korean rockstar from Japan, was celebrating his 20 years as a guitarist and entertainer this year. People who may not be familiar with Jrock or the Visual Kei scene may recognize him in movies such as Maleficent, Unbroken, or the show Arcane. I haven't seen any of these yet.. so don't spoil it too much! ;)

Cartoon Network is Here to Stay

Some time ago, Cartoon Network fans heard of news of the beloved cartoon station shutting down. I vaguely remember coming across something on Twitter some time ago regarding this. However, the news didn't illicit a strong reaction as I haven't personally owned a television set since I entered Diamond Gyaru Circle.

JT Holmes, a fellow Twitterite posed a question to his followers,  
 

JT Holmes asks his followers about their favorite Cartoon Network shows.

Some of my favorites and shows that I did watch during that time to see what they were about were the Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Lab (who wouldn't want their own secret lab to retreat to after a long day at school?), Billy and Mandy (their dynamic is hilarious!) Tom & Jerry (a classic despite its comical violent nature), and some Adult Swim Shows that showcased the anime that my late sister, Ella McFearless/LicaMica/Vega Voodoo) and I fell in love with.

Those favorite shows had us on the edge of our folding chair seats as we zipped through space with Melfina, Gene Starwind and Faye Valentine and Spike Spiegal, or wondering the outcome of a war with Gundams involved. Or finding that life under the sea with the SeaLab 2020 crew is filled with humor and odd moments. Yu Yu Hakusho proved that you could still kick ass in the afterlife and Wolf's Rain entranced us in a melancholic story and beautiful visuals. Or even taking it slightly further with the Space Ghost Coast to Coast Show (2001-2004) and had most of the jokes fly over my head as most of those were intended for adults with more life experience. Home Movies was another series that had me drawn in with its wiggly outlines and dry humor. Definitely, a series that I'd like to revisit now that I'm an adult. 

I've shared my favorites that I enjoyed with my little sister, and now turn this question to you all; What were your favorite shows on Cartoon Network in your youth?

I look forward to reading your answers!

In the meantime, I'll be catching up on some Cartoon Network shows on their Livestream.

Gal Circle Rejection (storytime #1)

Rejection 

Hi Heartlets🫶😈✨

So, have I ever told you that I was rejected from a gyaru circle before?

Those who may see my posts popping up on Twitter may have seen a little bitty post about that regarding my gyaru lifestyle? era? career?

Nick Cave @ Mca

 

A man willing to risk it all for his art. That is the man I went to go see give a talk about his recent installation at the MCA, dear Heartlets🫶😈✨ . Nick Cave's talk has been my 3rd artist talk of the year, and this one called out to me the most. I came across a book with photographs of his body of work and I was intrigued. I liked the playfulness of some of his designs and his take on issues as well. His colourful forms and patterns was refreshing to come across after having instilled the mindset of realism and achieving high levels of detail was most important than the joy one can receive when making artist pieces.

Some of the take aways from this interview was that he believes in working with materials AND people that you trust is so important. Nick also likes to have moments in solitude at his studio even with a team of competent assistants. As time has passed, his art work is still created with found materials from outside. 

One aspect of his workflow that I admire deeply is his ability to jump into a project quickly without much preparation time or materials or the need to transport materials from his studio to an artist residency elsewhere. I am not sure the pace of his workflow, but to be able to not overthink the details so much surprises me. 

Have you seen Nick Cave's body of work before? Share your comments! I'd love to hear from you!

Sept. 17th,2022

 I actually started this post on September 8th... whoops...

Everyone, sorries, some youtube posts weren't uploaded for about two weeks or so..... but, I will still continue the 30day/post challenge!! I had to take care of some paperwork and meetings, as well as tending to some clerical duties for this blog as well.

Things have gotten a little backed up and its eaten away at some of the energy for this blog publishing-wise. I am grateful that I am finalizing some things as they have taken a toll on me and my parents for far too long. Though I am grateful, I have taken a route thinking that I would somehow achieve some dreams not only for myself, but for my parents and great grandmother as well. 

Anyway....

On the 17th at 8pm,well... there was an event at Murasaki sake lounge in the Loop.  Its an intimate, cozy bar to visit if you are in the mood for some Japanese fare and delicious drinks whilst English and Japanese Rhythm and Blues play in the background. If you like and appreciate Japanese culture, food, spirits, and music, and even want to practice your Japanese, I highly recommend it! 

That evening, I spent the time with a fellow University of Chicago Intern and friend over food, live entertainment, The Real Folk Blues and YMCA were a few of the songs. We chatted about travel plans, career goals and perceptions, and looked forward to seeing each other again.

In the meantime, I am going to sip some tea and have a breakfast, get in my stretchies/yoga, and edit several blog posts that I started... like this one for instance.

Until next time,

またね

Morning Walk

I went out today for a brief walk and to enjoy a breakfast of some sort of baked goods and some sunshine.　I bought a croissant, and walked to my favorite spot. I met a man named Jesus who spoke Japanese, English and Spanish! He also asked me if I knew how to speak Italian and French. (I did ask him initially if he spoke Spanish based on his English speaking accent… hopefully that wasn’t rude… I’ll pose that question a little better moving forward. He was surprised I knew a little Japanese and I heard him reply in Japanese, which surprised me! 

今朝、外で出た。散歩して朝食が喜びたかった。クロワッサン買って好きな場所で歩いた。そして日本語、英語とスペイン語できる男の名前はﾍｽﾞｽに会った。あたしに正しい語で「フランスご、イタリア語で話してできる？」と聞いた。まずは、英語で「スペイン語が話してできますか」。多分丁寧じゃ無い。。。ヤバいぃぃ。。。でも、私たちはびっくりした！

The fresh breads of the day/今日の新しいパン

Mr. Turtle！/カメ「亀」さん

He was able to take Japanese classes in his high school in L.A.  So jelly!! But, L.A. has a bigger Japanese population so it’s understandable compared to a predominantly Black/African American high school on the south side of Chicago. Even though the popularity of anime had won the hearts of Black kids of my generation, maybe Japanese people or near fluent non native speakers wouldn’t want to teach in a dodgy, dangerous area… 

Jesusさんは学校で日本語を勉強した。羨ましいぃぃぃけどわかった。L .A.は多い黒人人口いってシカゴの南でより多い日本人がいる。でも、少し黒人子供達はアニメが好き。黒人の心にかんど色々アニメをしたと思う。多分、日本人や日本語できる先生はシカゴの南で行かなかった。。。危ないな町から。。。

I will continue to learn more Spanish words and study more Japanese as well. 

もっとスペイン語の言葉と日本語の文法が勉強して続ける。

Ciao/またね💎

Ashnikko Concert

 Super late post but I enjoyed an Ashnikko concert after her Lollapolooza show.

She’s outspoken, has amazing blue hair and even did a collaboration with Hatsune Miku. What a legend! 

Some of the songs I find quite catchy are Deal With It, Daisy 2.0 and Tantrum. 

Thank you Ashnikko for the amazing energy you brought to Chicago.

Until next time.

En Memoriam Of LicaMica (Trigger warning)

This month, this season has been interesting for me, two years after my sister's death. While some things have been quite fun, I've been thinking about my sister and the relationship that we just didn't fully have for whatever reason and factors that played into that. To have been going through a lot of what had happened alone whilst blogging, YouTubing, making gyaru events, and completing college has been quite a feat. 

I never wanted my sister to die. 

Though we weren't tied at the hip and had our own lives, it pains me that we could not and did not become close. I didn't want her to be continuing on with using hardcore drugs throughout her pregnancy post high school. I didn't like seeing her change and not complete the goals she had for herself. I hated how she made it seem like everything was ok even though it wasn't. Thinking on it these days, maybe she didn't want to make it seem as if things weren't going well for her so I wouldn't judge her. (?)

Having seen her and someone else help her evade DCFS check ins a few times, seeing her punch her pregnant belly, getting glimpses of alarming things and to have it end up in her overdosing and wondering if I had to identify her body and what she looked like after 2 years of not seeing her... it was heavy to take in. It still is. 

Its heavy to take in things like this while pretending everything is ok and as if there aren't things disappointing you and worrying you. While trying to keep up a facade of things going right outside of gal and gamer life/drama/conflict. Its heavy and painful to have someone putting themselves and their children in danger willingly. 

Outside of the painful parts that I've come to terms with, I do my best to appreciate the moments when we had some fun times; when we would watch anime together, the project we worked on, and being happy for her when she had things that weren't harmful to her. 

Perhaps there were unresolved pain or maybe something that made her want to walk in the shoes of someone that did heroin and such. That maybe she wanted to feel invincible despite some health issues and the path she took was one that she thought she could come out of.

There were professionals who knew that the kids were unsafe and had a plan to help her be the mom she wanted/could have been, there should have been more people making it acceptable to use that assistance and not undermine the usefulness. Or if her family or the people she felt were her "saviors" would have guided her away from a life of being another statistic since I've always been told that everyone else has their life together and are oh so Christian and wise.

To keep things positive... she's not in pain anymore and the kids are safe from things they are too innocent to be a part of.  That I had some close friends to bond a little more after with. That she's with mom and other family members...

In due time, this won't hurt so much.  

またね★

IMPORTANT *PLEASE READ

 Good evening to you. 

Despite a lot of years having flown past us all, I wanted to make it clear to you all with my intentions and motives when entering the visual kei/gyaru/jfashion/academic/entrepreneur and anime/gaming scenes, let alone dating, business partnerships and friendships and allies. 

Despite having depression and body/gender image issues, I do not, and repeat, DO NOT condone hatred towards people based on their body type, gender, or race. 

Various comments and such have been made about my character that I do not and did not appreciate. I also do not appreciate giving several members as well as a business partner multiple chances to sit and talk things over that they did not want to complete with me than slandering and defaming me while I do a lot of the admin work to help make things happen.

Questions can be directed to lishamisha22@gmail.com with header "Comments/concerns/questions"

Sincerely,

Lishamisha22/Leo

Antidepressants are Useless?

 Today I read an article regarding depression and the use of antidepressants to treat this common mental disorder. As a person who has had depression before and during my gyaru/alt fashion journey, and has even tried antidepressants as well, this study shocked me! 

These pills (third ranking amongst meds in the US) that commercials promote (in the USA, but not a common finding overseas) and doctors prescribe are to help your brains intake serotonin (happy chemical), but apparently it’s not the lack of it that causes depression. 

Will this be a blow to big pharma and the money they make (a whopping 13.4 BILLION!!) off antidepressants? 

Check out the article: 

https://thehill.com/changing-america/well-being/mental-health/3569506-depression-is-likely-not-caused-by-a-chemical-imbalance-in-the-brain-study-says/amp/

What do you think? 

Ponderings on Sowing Distrust

Good evening. 

There have been times when I wanted to interview or do a quick collaboration with a few people/someone when I had a lot on my plate during my undergraduate program. 

Cool music or vibe, great... yet there is a road block. The middle man  doesn't want me to meet with them, talk to them in person, or doesn't even pass the message along to collab. Or passes other messages or puts words in our mouths instead, creating dissension, distrust and dislike between two people who haven't even gotten to really meet each other to see if they'd click. If you try to talk with that person of interest and vice versa, reality is already skewed and not on your behalf. 

So... who gets stuck with the blame of not going through with someone and highlighting some black girl magic or gets a label as being "lazy" or even "difficult"?

Something to consider for other people who may be in a similar situation.

Black Girl and the “Princess Burikko”

Black Girl was approached by a shorter girl with a princess, burikko type of mentality at an event. This new girl thought she was perfect and decided to pretend to be friends with the black girl. Who didn’t want to be in pictures with someone with a wide audience and who had a connection with a hot, smart, college guy? Think of the likes on new pictures and being praised on being Asian! Think of snatching a guy away from someone! How fun! She thought. 

The Black girl accepted her into the social club, not seeing the real side of things. 

 The “princess” acted chummy with her and the social club, whilst throwing shade at other members who happened to be plus sized, who weren’t arrogant and had passion and real interest in the club. The “Princess” seemed to act like some of the bigger girls should lose weight and seemed to make a big deal out of it while Black Girl seemed to be put off by the remarks, even sticking up for the members that were put down. Why was it "Princess"'s business if they were bigger or not? They weren’t less than, incompetent, or unattractive just because they happened to be bigger! Black Girl didn't stand for that tye of treatment at all. 

Later on, The “Princess” was introduced to the college guy via the other creators of the social group, knowing that the Black Girl liked him. The “Princess” decided to call the other girls “snakes” behind their backs while being the one sleeping with the guy the Black Girl liked. During the same time span, a different guy friend of the other group creators knew the “Princess” from school, and called her a snake as well. The turmoil was too much for Black Girl.  

Months later, the “Princess” befriended the Black Girl’s ex despite him being a cheater and wanting to be a bum… but maybe they were birds of a feather. Not into school or education, but sex, and pretending to be friends with people then ditching them at the worse times.

The girl felt no remorse for betraying the Black Girl and making it seem like it was her fault. After all, why feel guilt when you think it’s ok? She told Black Girl that she was all alone and to just deal with the betrayal caused by people claiming titles of "friendship" and "sisterhood". After all, the “Princess” used her all up, and tossed her aside for someone better who wouldn’t constantly remind her of her behavior. 

Story Series: The Side Girl and the Ex Man

This story series contains contain that may be triggering for some. 

Dating advice pt 1

 Here is a collection of dating tips.

Do’s:

Date someone who supports you, your goals, and your accomplishments. 

Date someone who appreciates you. 

Date someone who doesn’t want you to become more depressed. 

Date someone that doesn’t want to have sex with all your friends. 

Date someone who can leave the relationship without putting all the blame on you.

Date someone who isn’t going to kiss and tell. 

Date someone who isn’t going to cheat on you and tell everyone and their momma that you cheated instead.

Date someone is mature enough to be able to talk out issues in the relationship to resolve them. (Lack of the ability to resolve issues or dismiss them is a sign that they don’t want to change their behaviour and doesn’t care if it affects you. Yes, older men do this too.) 

Don’ts 

Don’t date (or keep dating) someone who will worsen your depression or anxiety. Its a tactic for them to be able to pull the "my ex is crazy card" and discredit you. 

Don’t date someone who will make you feel insecure or enable bad or unhealthy decisions. 

Don’t date someone who will only want you back after you caught them cheating but never made efforts to keep you in the first place.

Don’t date someone who thinks it’s ok to have sex with your friends without your knowledge, or discussion of the do’s and donts of an open relationship.

Don’t date someone who thinks its ok to ruin your career or job status so you can't get away or afford the things you need to live. 

Don’t date someone who pressures you into a relationship too quickly.

Don’t date someone who shows a lack of interest in you. 

Don’t date someone who moves too fast into a relationship. Take it slow.

Cyborg teen titans and music as a crutch

 Cyborg from Teen Titans liking his shining song to open pickle jars and save his friends is so real. Sometimes things need to be a crutch to survive your day to day and get stuff done.   

When I was going to high school, a little before my jfashion beginnings, being on crowded, noisy buses was frustrating and exhausting. Luckily, LicaMica (my little sister), got me an iPod as a present. my walkman would always skip when the bus would pass over bumps and potholes on the road, but Apple’s iPod was a fantastic new piece of technology that my sister introduced me to. And boy! Was it so handy for me. I loaded my favorite Jrock and pop songs from America on it. 

It really helped me out. anyway, until next time!

Graphic Design, Gal, and The Name Game

So, sometimes multitasking keeps me focused on other things until I get time to review them. I am sitting here trying to update my sad lil Behance page with things related to graphic design work, and I just want to nap instead!

ahh.. ol gyaru memories. 

I am glad to have worked with my gal-sa crew over the years. I have not been one to work closely with people in school due to being reserved and also experiencing poor communication between teammates, as well as art times where the work was often dropped in my lap.

Anyway, back on topic, I loved brainstorming what our logo would look like, picking and choosing our circle's name and font to try to lead the style direction we were going for, and seeing how we should design our webpage and agree on copy for the web. 

It amazes me how much graphic design work, creative and artistic direction work had sat in my lap for so long when I helped with the non-event related tasks for Black*Cherry and Gal*Luxy. If I had tied more of my two worlds together a bit more earlier on at Columbia, maybe I would have had more design samples and would have liked the projects a little better. 

Too bad our websites have been deleted off though! boooo!

We picked and chose our font for our logo after deciding on a few names I had come up with for our circle.
I made a video in one of my classes to help promote our circle.

Work by LA 
ACEN 2010 promo

I do not recall when the trend of putting text blatantly on a picture came about, but it is shown here from about May 2010, created by LA. Putting text over an image was a BIIIG no-no in my design classes. 

Ha! 

But you can spot this type of design almost everywhere now. 

She was ahead of the game.

As for the things hitting me pretty damn late, Yea BDia aka BLACK DIAMOND. I am side eyein y'all. Y'all can call yourselves Black Diamond all you want and do your thing, but La and I were the original Black Diamonds. 

Get it? 

                             

                                           We were Black gals... 

                                                                         

                                                                                                 in Diamond gyaru sa.....

Reflections

July 24,2018

Some x from high school cheated on me and that its a dumb as fuck to continue to be with someone who is showing violent tendencies and lack of ambition as a teen, and even worse when you give them chances to get their act together instead of them doing so on their own free will. Even worse when they add up your gyaru peers to spread rumours about you or get others to do their dirty work for him. 

I diverted my attention from what happened and overworked myself to avoid thinking about it fully. Part of that is ok as I didn't allow myself to go back to something undesireable, yet I wasn't fully addressing something at the same time. 

Ive been coming to terms that when he wanted to include my “gal pals” physically in our relationship, he meant it. I’ve been coming to terms that during the summer of 2010, when I called his phone and a woman picked up and told me that she was busy with him, it could have been a woman he was intimate with despite our relationship being monogamous...or at least me being monogamous to him. (apparently there is a term for this in certain circles.... poly-fuckery. You're not really polyamorous- being honest on who you are seeing, you are forcing someone into dealing with you cheating but "not really'. You're welcome for a new vocab word.)

I’ve come to terms that he was scared he would lose his main chick or whatever he considered me as that summer and only pretended to cry so that I would pity him and take him back. I would not be surprised that when we were making our open relationship agreement (so I could actually go on dates because he didnt want to.... when I could have just blocked his number and went on with my college life... ) that he only wanted to be the one to have physical relations with other women and for me to be ok with that because he was cheating on me through those few years. It was like him being able to do as he pleased while I couldn't even get a kiss from a new suitor. (Unfair much?! )

I have been coming to terms with a nerdy woman blurting out to me that they didn't have cooties to me and that they were most likely alluding to them being intimate with my partner, bringing up conversations of having some Asian guy pay her rent (I had a similar convo of my ex wanting to “move in with me”), or her asking me what “size” of a man I liked and that she didn't prefer “small ones”. WEIRD.
 I also am concerned that they were at the clinic I went to when my x blamed me for something (a little before being told that a woman didnt have cooties) . Like , was I being followed there? Was she with my bf at the time when he bitched me out over the phone or something?

Not having the distractions of silly little spats and dealing with all the memories that flood back to me, I just wish I had the answers years ago to avoid working with someone that thinks its ok to do this and smile in my face and try to slip in calling ME a hoe in conversation as if that is empowering me, as if that's what friends/peers/partners in business do. 

But to be able to see how a a sexist guy thinks who wanted to be catered to and have a woman pamper him and buy him clothes without even earning that right... to be called Satan for “cheating” by someone who did so willing flirting with Saint Louis and Chicago acquaintances and calling THEM clingy, telling me i should gain weight to not be considered attractive, who went through my phone AND emails yet never offered to show me who he was messaging or calling... thats embarrassing to think that someone will think that some "history" of being together would allow them to continue this behaviour for another round with not even a true apology? lol. hilarious. 

Thanks for always thinking of me so much. I've been entertained greatly and enjoyed the attention from all the randos. 

Acen!

Acen was just last week, and I enjoyed myself. I met up with a lot of people, took in lots of advice from E and P , and spent time marveling over great cosplays. 

I even helped finalize outfits, and tweaked hair and makeup.

The weekend wasn't too wild or crazy, but it was a little enjoyable. 

Macy's 2017 Bridal Expo

Hello hello! Been booked with projects for a bit but wanted to pop a new post up!

The Macy's Bridal Expo was just a week ago, and it still feels extremely surreal! I got to choose two gowns to model for the event, 1 ball gown with gorgeous, delicate beading being worn for the runway.

Mini Makeup Haul

I haven't done a lot of hauls after post college it seems, but here is another one.
I went shopping one day, and decided to grab a few things to try out.
I usually use brow pencils for my brows but decided to dip my toe into the magical world of eyebrow makeup! I missed the brow mascara craze back in 2011 or so when some gyaru would use it on their brows.

I tried out e.l.f.'s brow kit from Target. Though at times I can't get a very clean cut look with my brows like the pics on Instagram, the kit does a decent job. On no foundation and minimal makeup days, my brows look pretty natural and I'm happy.

Now on to the eyebrow shaping kit... I am not pleased. The scissors are ok at best and a little clumsy, the brush is too stiff and I just have no use for the comb. The attachment to the scissors weren't beneficial at all so they were tossed. The tweezers didn't provide enough grip and I ended up using them for lash application. Thank goodness I have a pair of tweezers that work or I'd be s.o.l.

Until next time! 



Check out my webshop! 20%off on all items! Half the amount on hats will be donated to the Woman's Treatment Center!

Skin Care for Kawaii Lovers

With us doing make up from a few days a week to nearly every day, it is very important to treat your skin nice in between you wearing your make up. Here are some tips for you!

1.       Don’t: Skipping the water. Going for juices loaded with sugar, sodas and adult beverages.

Do: Hydrate, hydrate, HYDRATE with water and low sugar options!

Why: Hydration is super important for the cells in your body, not just your face! Being dehydrated causes the skin to dry out, causing wrinkles and looking dull.

*Alcohol dehydrates you and you need to make up the water that is lost.

2.       Don’t: Sleeping in your make up!

Do: Clean!

Why: Depending on your make up usage and how long you wear it during the day, PLUS keeping it on as you sleep prevents your skin from “breathing”.  This can trigger and cause break outs, and aging of the skin.

After every eventful day, before you close your eyes and dream of your next cute code for an event, meet up or general outing, remove your lashes, lens and make up with a gentle cleanser suited for your skin type.

3.       Don’t: Not exfoliating.

Do: Exfoliating gently.

Why: Exfoliating with a gentle exfoliating cleanser  sloughs off the dead skin on top of the new skin that makes you look dull and dry.

*However, doing this too much or too rough will damage the skin instead!

4.       Don’t: Not wearing an appropriate sunscreen or moisturizing.

DO: Wearing an appropriate sunscreen and moisturizer daily.

Why: Applying an appropriate sunscreen before your foundation will help block some of the UV rays from your skin while you are out and about. Moisturizing before you put on your make up and after helps keeps your skin supple, soft and smooth especially if you are weathering harsh winter temperatures.

5.       Don’t: Eating bad foods regularly. Not eating your veggies.

Do: Eat a healthy and balanced diet and take your vitamins.

Why: Eating bad foods do not give you the nourishment you need to have healthy looking skin. Eating lean meats and fish, and lots of veggies and fruits is best!

Taking a boost of vitamins and supplements not just for the health benefits can help your skin and hair grow! Who wouldn’t want that!? You can also add in collagen pills to your vitamin regiment to help give you a little boost with your skin care.

6.       Don’t:  Frowning, being angry and stressed.

Do: Meditate and calm down.

Why: Being able to calm yourself down is very important. When you are stressed out, it manifests in your body. You don’t want to be so stressed out that you are constantly frowning or furrowing your brows, causing wrinkles over time. Center yourself, breathe, and get that inner peace! Doing yoga or working out for about 30min a day can help expend some of that restless energy. You can also make yourself a nice warm bath with bath salts or bath bombs to relax in too!

                Thank you for reading and stay tuned! Comments are always appreciated!

Check out my webshop! 20%off on all items! Half the amount on hats will be donated to the Woman's Treatment Center!

Mini Haul, Another One

I've been experimenting with new nail colours than I usually use. A lot more natural tones and a lot more basic than the glittered and blinged out nails you all are used to me wearing. But for work or trying to land a job interview, they definately work.

Getting Older In A Alternative Fashion Community

As long as I have been blogging, my style has changed over the years. From a bit over the top and youthful edginess to more toned down and a little more sleek, the way I dress myself has definately gotten better. I also have gotten a better sense of what looks good on my figure and what I like and don't like.

(old pic)

As I am getting old and grey, and due to work as well, my style choices has been getting a little more boring! Trying to find decent basics for work functions have preoccupied most of my shopping.
(new pics)

However, I do my best to get a few items for leisure time and events that I can really express myself with.

It also is great that some of my coworkers appreciate dressing against the grain and showcasing your individuality. They help keep me true to myself, and seeking ways to not just stick to a basic pair of jeans and a plain ol' top.

I still incorporate some of my own recent customizations and selfmade items into my wardrobe to fully make my look my own!






Check out my webshop! 20%off on all items! Half the amount on hats will be donated to the Woman's Treatment Center!